Forgiveness Prayer

The tears I shed, I forgive.
The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.
The betrayals and lies, I forgive.
The slandering and scheming, I forgive.
The hatred and persecution, I forgive.
The punches that were given, I forgive.
The shattered dreams, I forgive.
The dead hopes, I forgive.
The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.
The indifference and ill will, I forgive.
The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.
The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.
The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.
The world with all its evil, I forgive.

She lowers her arms, opens her eyes and places her hands on her face.
I move closer to kiss her, but she makes a signal with her hands.
- I have not finished yet.
She closes her eyes and looks up.

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.
Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.
Pain I replace with oblivion.
Revenge, I replace with victory.

I will be able to love above all discontentment.
To give even when I am stripped of everything.
To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.
To dry tears even when I am still crying.
To believe even when I am discredited.

She opens her eyes, puts her hands on my head 

and says with an authority that comes from above:

- Thy will be done. Thy will be done.

_-Extracts from Paulo Coelho's Aleph

Legend of Two Mothers

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother.


Two different lives shaped
To make yours one
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.


The first gave you life
The second thought you to live
The first gave you need for love
The second was there to give.


One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.


One gave you emotion
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.


One gave you up- it was all she could do
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you.


And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question through the years
Hereditary or environment
Which are you a product of?
Neither my darling- neither
Just two different kinds of love!


-Anonymous

Peek into My Confused Mind.

I have been trying to get a freelance cum consultancy business going. I decided to move into this a little before my baby doll comes into my life, so that I have more time to spare for her. But its not been an easy journey, though in all honesty, it started relatively easily... My mistake was I thought it'd be completely stress-free cum easy ride throughout but well like most things in my life, its not. 


These last few weeks have been spent contemplating a name for this business. I have realized lots of shocking things about myself in this process. I'm naturally not happy with what I see inside and am trying to give myself a pep-talk or a "how-to-change-things? perspective" I realize that I give better advice to people I love and somehow I'm not doing a great job on myself.


Well, for one, I am not as independent as I think I am. At least not of the opinions of the people I love. I hate the fact that for most important decisions in my life, I always look at people around me, to tell me what's good for me. I don't doubt the fact that they love me and want what's best for me, but I am so dependent on their approval that I I no longer trust my own judgement. Questions such as should I do this? Can't be answered with a "Do you really want to do it?" Because I don't really know what I want... I seem to have stopped thinking and feeling for myself... I just let them guide me and choose for me... and go with the common consensus/ opinions. So naturally when I think something and they are not in sync with the idea, I have huge self-doubts and stress about "what if they are right...?" am I going to hear another of those "I told you sos...."


I also hate the fact that I have become a bit of a people-pleaser. I don't really have such a low opinion of myself that I'd do anything to be liked but I hate knowing the fact that there's this one woman or one man out there who hates the site of me. Naturally, I hate the fact that opinions matter so much to me but I don't know how to get myself out of this mess! 


Oh yes I want to figure it out and get out of this as soon as I can... because one ends up getting more hurt and emotional this way and I choose not to live like that.