I have been trying to get a freelance cum consultancy business going. I decided to move into this a little before my baby doll comes into my life, so that I have more time to spare for her. But its not been an easy journey, though in all honesty, it started relatively easily... My mistake was I thought it'd be completely stress-free cum easy ride throughout but well like most things in my life, its not.
These last few weeks have been spent contemplating a name for this business. I have realized lots of shocking things about myself in this process. I'm naturally not happy with what I see inside and am trying to give myself a pep-talk or a "how-to-change-things? perspective" I realize that I give better advice to people I love and somehow I'm not doing a great job on myself.
Well, for one, I am not as independent as I think I am. At least not of the opinions of the people I love. I hate the fact that for most important decisions in my life, I always look at people around me, to tell me what's good for me. I don't doubt the fact that they love me and want what's best for me, but I am so dependent on their approval that I I no longer trust my own judgement. Questions such as should I do this? Can't be answered with a "Do you really want to do it?" Because I don't really know what I want... I seem to have stopped thinking and feeling for myself... I just let them guide me and choose for me... and go with the common consensus/ opinions. So naturally when I think something and they are not in sync with the idea, I have huge self-doubts and stress about "what if they are right...?" am I going to hear another of those "I told you sos...."
I also hate the fact that I have become a bit of a people-pleaser. I don't really have such a low opinion of myself that I'd do anything to be liked but I hate knowing the fact that there's this one woman or one man out there who hates the site of me. Naturally, I hate the fact that opinions matter so much to me but I don't know how to get myself out of this mess!
Oh yes I want to figure it out and get out of this as soon as I can... because one ends up getting more hurt and emotional this way and I choose not to live like that.
2 comments:
We two are so mch alike.when I read your post..I feel its me talking about myself...I guess its the uniqueness of us being just us....:)
Advices given to other people is mostly idealistic and more aspirational & closer to what really should be done. No one is his best advisor and thts why we form a society.
Just try to do a short video in your home to record your events/ actions. See it later and you will yet feel tht mayb this is nt you wht u belive it is.
& when u drive u dont drive in a straight line, all these deviations which u feel takes u away frm u are resultant of some tangents which u see along this drive. if you r going to a pilgrim its ok to stop at a night dhaba & play some card game! You r nt betting anything on it afterall.
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